#most ppl who think they're fat actually aren't imo

[tate-lin]

Rant incoming concerning fatphobia:

I find it superrrr vexing and distasteful whenever someone threatens me with the 'do you want to become fat' thing. I understand that since my natural body frame is being thin, it'd indicate bad things for my health if I do become fat (if you're naturally born big, then getting bigger probably won't mean anything too bad) but I just deeply resent the underlying implication of it all. Like ofc it's better for me in a societal sense to be thin, especially since I don't have a thick skin to negative comments at all, but like?? If you want to scold me in order to make me eat more healthily, just cite health reasons! There's literally no reason to bring up fatness!! What's everyone's deal?? Is it a crime to be fat?? Smh 💀

Some ppl act as if ppl automatically become ugly when they're fat which is just blatantly untrue. And in the first place I'm not even particularly good-looking so it's not gonna be the end of my world if I get bigger. Ofc if being fat negatively affects me physically and/or mentally then I think those are good causes for concern but at least lead with that if you're truly concerned about me for god's sake

[johannestevans]

while I do agree to this on a broad scale, I often say that many cis straight women aren't actually attracted to men, and/or are so repressed in their desire for men (often out of genuine and understandable fear for their safety) that they desire a very particular and sanitised man's body

like just thinking about the disgust many people automatically have for body hair, especially chest and back hair, that's one thing but like

i was talking to my bf recently about the desexualised view many cis women have of fat men, and how not only is a fat man supposedly "lower" on the atttractiveness scale, but the assumption is that he will want to have less sex and be a better husband because of that

whether it's because he's too lazy, or most of all because he's going to be "grateful" that someone wants him - and thinking of him in terms of how soft and cuddly he is, which aren't in themselves insults, but are often removed from finding his body sexually appealing or desirable

it's difficult to nail down bc many cishet women literally repress their sexual desires for men BECAUSE like. how can they be safely attracted to someone who might do them harm, living in a society that is primed for and biased toward sexual violence by men toward women? how can they safely explore their sexuality without shame when any sexual feeling is policed as slutty, or can be used as evidence against them?

sexual attraction to men can be a distraction from the important things in a relationship - is he safe and nonviolent? is he kind? is he thoughtful? does he see you, a woman, as a human person? will be be a good father? would he treat your daughters as well as sons? will be do his share of domestic labour? does he earn enough money?

i'm not saying ANY of those things are shallow to desire in a partner, bc imo, esp for people who consider marriage as a vehicle to impress their family and have children, they're not.

the message for so long has been that sex is to have children, and also something that men desire and that women have to give men to keep them happy. it's considered by many an act by men done to women.

women who desire sex on their terms are often slut-shamed and treated as impure or immoral, but are also intimidating to many misogynstic men who ALSO desire an object acted upon, and think that most men in a relationship must be interchangeable

many straight men assume that outside of the gigachad alpha with mega muscles, all other men are interchangeable based off of how much income he makes or basically how much he can manipulate or "trick" a woman into loving him

whereas many straight women are basically looking for a man who will abuse her least and make her life the least difficult if she marries him. the number of ppl i talk to where i'm literally just "DUMP THEM" bc their standards for how they should be treated and how they should Feel in a relationship are just so low KILLS me

many women struggle to find men who tick half of those boxes, let alone who are also good in bed - things have REALLY been changing in the past 20 years in terms of sexual liberation imo, and I do think things are a bit different now and are slowly developing in a better direction for women who're attracted to men

but like... when i talk to straight women about what they find attractive in men, and they're like, the offline women who I DON'T meet in queer and kink spaces, a lot of them won't mention physical characteristics at all, but like

when they do mention physical characteristics, it's often about emotional connection - things that make her feel safe or cared for or cuddled etc - more than like. stuff that makes her horny or want to fuck?

WHICH IS OKAY, i'm not at all shaming that, but what I'm saying is that for many women thinking about what makes them horny can be hard bc like... even now, in the 21st century, after Sex and the City and Skins and countless other portrayals of sexuality, some straight women genuinely believe that like. sexual desire and libido is a myth, bc they haven't experienced it or have repressed it so hard

some of those women might actually be asexual! some of them might be gay, or otherwise not attracted to men. some of them might be sexually traumatised in a way that makes that sexuality hard to get in touch with (I'm saying this as a rape victim who had a similar experience). some of them might be dysphoric or having issues with their hormones.

but a lot of straight women who ARE theoretically attracted to men like... don't masturbate and wouldn't know where to start, and many have never experienced an orgasm.

esp given how broadly acceptable for cishet boys to be wanking from a young age and figuring out as soon as they start wanking what makes them horny, either because it makes them hard or gets them to come faster, like... for many cishet girls, bc masturbation is so unthinkable and doesn't seem like an option to them, has next to no film or TV representation (esp references to young or teen girls doing it in the same healthy way boys do), like? as older teens, as adults, some of the first times they find themselves touched will be by men they're having sex with

how do you have any basis for comparison when you don't know what your own body enjoys and craves? when your options to experiment and your explore your own sexuality are so caged and shamed, it's really HARD to think about what you're actually attracted to outside of the abstract

it's just fucked bc like. inceldom is very much a part of the rightwing white cishet male fascist pipeline, which is why it's such a funnel toward rightwing terrorism and also violent misogyny, esp around like... all men should be "given" a wife, etc

but even without those men who are into extremism, many average straight people other the other gender so much, and dehumanise them to such an extent

straight men seeing women as sex objects that will treat them as one of their kids once they're married, who will do all of the domestic labour and make it so they don't have to think about their own household or organisational stuff

straight women seeing men as necessary evils who will be weights around their necks and making much of their domestic labour harder, who have to be tamed or kept quiet by "giving them" sex

and it's like... how do you fix that? how do individuals navigate and try to throw off those expectations when a lot of society is really attached to those ideas, and is also so aggressively opposed to any kind of sexuality for women on their own terms? how do you actually talk about what's sexually attractive in someone when your idea of the sexually desirable is so divorced from your own feelings on a physical level?

I think there's a real tragedy in the way straight men don't see themselves the same way that people who are attracted to men see them. If you ask a straight man to describe what an attractive man looks like, there's very little variety - the masculine male ideal is tall, broad-shouldered, square-jawed with a cleft chin and built of sculpted muscle. The stereotypical image of an Alpha Male, someone whom he could respect, and envy.

And sure, there are plenty of women, gay men and people of all sorts who are attracted to to this specific type, even exclusively attracted to it, there is so much more variety in this, both in the tastes and their subjects.

The stereotype of "hot wife, ugly husband"-couples was drawn from the observations of straight men, from their own perspective. Women going after men that men find unattractive makes no sense to them, and they figure that women are willing to overlook being ugly if a man's funny, smart or rich enough. If a woman insists that she's attracted to a specific man who isn't attractive by their standards, they'll assume that she's lying.

The tragic part is when a man who believes himself to be ugly grows bitter over this, developing a foul personality which people do find repulsive, and then uses their repeated experiences of being romantically rejected as proof that they're physically unattractive, insisting that surely women would overlook his heinousness if only he was tall and muscular enough, and had the right bone structure. The self-feeding vicious cycle of being a bitter incel is born.

The thing about "ugly men with a good personality can still be attractive" is that they're usually not even ugly. Some people do genuinely find fat and hairy men, thin and delicate men, short men and feminine men attractive. There's as much variety as in cheese, you can't compare aura to brie. And just like in cheese, as long as you're not toxic, somebody's into that. You just need to find the right wine to compliment it.